I'm writing a story. I'm not really sure exactly what I want it to be. I want it to be about a man finding out what he is worth. I'm calling it "The Unremarkable Life of Levi Thorn." He works as a customer service worker and it the most unremarkable person there is. I want him to find a purpose in his unremarkable existence. He's going to meet a girl. That much I'm sure of. A girl that is going to make him want to be a better person.
Life is going pretty well so far. Nothing mind blowing to report. Just taking classes (and doing well in them so far). I know I want more in my life, but I'm not sure what that would look like just yet.
I'm going to the new Harry Potter tomorrow night. Which will be awesome. Though I'm not gonna sleep very well tonight because I took a huge nap today to help me recover from the all-nighter I pulled for 3 tests I had earlier today.
The song for the Day is "All Night Long" by Lionel Richie. Because tomorrow for Deathly Hallows we're going to have fun "All night Long! (all night) All night (all night)"
-matt
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
The Elder tells of the Road
So I don't normally do this but since I tend express myself with words I feel that it is best to share this side of my life with the limited audience of my blog. I don't do this comfortably and I don't know that there is quality to such my work (you be the judge) but all the same here it is.
The Elder tells of the Road.
I came to an Elder, a withered old man
And with him shared bread and wine.
In response to my gift he shared with me his heart
And I told him the struggles of mine.
“Tell me much of the road less traveled, good sir.
Tell me all of its twists and its turns.
For a deep curiosity has grabbed my poor heart,
And a great wanderlust within me burns.’
‘Tell me more of that harsh narrow path that you’ve walked,
Tell me all of the dark ways that stray.
What gain do I have in such a life and pursuit?
What would I lose if I stay?”
The tiny old man stared at me for an age,
The weight of his glance could be felt.
When my eyes met his own I realized quite soon,
With such a gaze I never had dealt.
“I shall tell you of a road that I know all too well,
One that few in this life ever choose.
And as to your hearts fire let it grow and burn,
Let it never be that flame that you lose.’
‘And of that old path you shall hear all your fill,
And to your queries I’ll answer all that is heard.
Question not either gain nor loss, nor pain
Question only your will and your word.’
‘For you claim a love of the untamed road,
And a passion for the unventured path.
Yet your journey thus far has followed no such way.
And you are haunted with regret’s wicked wrath.’
‘So tell me not of your hopes nor of your dreams
Tell me all that you have feared to do.
And from your tales I can share both a road and a path,
And to them your heart may be true.’
‘For it is in such fear that we find great hope,
And in weakness that we may find strength.
And when all is made new, and the road is behind
You will find it was well worth its length.’
‘Great sacrifice exists along that path, that road
And few will join you on your way,
But those who arrive may remain by your side,
And you might see them on that final day.’
‘So venture forth unto the road, the path you so fear,
And with every step leave your doubts all behind.
For as you go on you will know which is the good path,
As the footsteps you follow are mine.’
‘You will see where I’ve wandered, from that difficult road
You will see where I’ve marched myself back.
And know that you’ll wander, as all journeymen do.
But you remember the way to the path.’
‘Loss will befall you, every step of the way.
As will sorrow, suffering and pain.
But what there is still after the great trials have passed.
Will be counted for all as pure gain.’
‘Go on my young friend for the journey all lies ahead
Go on and discover those fields and lands,
Let your feet grow weary, worn and weak,
And let your trials be shown in your hands.’
‘Let them show where you’ve fallen and gotten back up,
Let them show that you worked all the way.
Let them be rough from your labor, and one thing yet
Let them pull others up on the way.”
I shed a great tear as I left the Elder behind,
His wise words ring still in my heart.
For it is a terrible weight and decision to make:
The decision to go now, to start.
This markes the end of the poem I hope you made it this far.
-matt
The Elder tells of the Road.
I came to an Elder, a withered old man
And with him shared bread and wine.
In response to my gift he shared with me his heart
And I told him the struggles of mine.
“Tell me much of the road less traveled, good sir.
Tell me all of its twists and its turns.
For a deep curiosity has grabbed my poor heart,
And a great wanderlust within me burns.’
‘Tell me more of that harsh narrow path that you’ve walked,
Tell me all of the dark ways that stray.
What gain do I have in such a life and pursuit?
What would I lose if I stay?”
The tiny old man stared at me for an age,
The weight of his glance could be felt.
When my eyes met his own I realized quite soon,
With such a gaze I never had dealt.
“I shall tell you of a road that I know all too well,
One that few in this life ever choose.
And as to your hearts fire let it grow and burn,
Let it never be that flame that you lose.’
‘And of that old path you shall hear all your fill,
And to your queries I’ll answer all that is heard.
Question not either gain nor loss, nor pain
Question only your will and your word.’
‘For you claim a love of the untamed road,
And a passion for the unventured path.
Yet your journey thus far has followed no such way.
And you are haunted with regret’s wicked wrath.’
‘So tell me not of your hopes nor of your dreams
Tell me all that you have feared to do.
And from your tales I can share both a road and a path,
And to them your heart may be true.’
‘For it is in such fear that we find great hope,
And in weakness that we may find strength.
And when all is made new, and the road is behind
You will find it was well worth its length.’
‘Great sacrifice exists along that path, that road
And few will join you on your way,
But those who arrive may remain by your side,
And you might see them on that final day.’
‘So venture forth unto the road, the path you so fear,
And with every step leave your doubts all behind.
For as you go on you will know which is the good path,
As the footsteps you follow are mine.’
‘You will see where I’ve wandered, from that difficult road
You will see where I’ve marched myself back.
And know that you’ll wander, as all journeymen do.
But you remember the way to the path.’
‘Loss will befall you, every step of the way.
As will sorrow, suffering and pain.
But what there is still after the great trials have passed.
Will be counted for all as pure gain.’
‘Go on my young friend for the journey all lies ahead
Go on and discover those fields and lands,
Let your feet grow weary, worn and weak,
And let your trials be shown in your hands.’
‘Let them show where you’ve fallen and gotten back up,
Let them show that you worked all the way.
Let them be rough from your labor, and one thing yet
Let them pull others up on the way.”
I shed a great tear as I left the Elder behind,
His wise words ring still in my heart.
For it is a terrible weight and decision to make:
The decision to go now, to start.
This markes the end of the poem I hope you made it this far.
-matt
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
"Origin, Creation, or Beginning"
So I've read Genesis before, in fact it's one of the few books of the Bible that I've read more than once (hence my present goal to read through the entire bible). It's title in both English and Hebrew means "the beginning". I think it is appropriately titled since it is the home of several beginnings. Here is a list of the beginnings I've counted. (the first few are divided up based on the first 6 days of creation found in Gen 1 the chapter reference will be noted if it differs from the previous item on the list).
- Light and Dark (Gen 1)
- Sky and Sea
- Land and Plants
- The Sun, Moon, and stars
- Fish, and Birds
- Animals and Man
- Rest (Gen 2)
- Marriage
- Sin (Gen 3)
- Labor and Toil
- Death
- Great pain in child birth.
- Submission of wives
- Strife among men (Gen 4)
- God setting things right (Gen 6)
- God's covenant relationship with men (Gen 9)
- Nations (Gen 10)
- Languages (Gen 11)
- Abram's part in the story & of God's chosen people (Gen 12)
- Circumcision as a sign of God's people (Gen 17)
- Abraham's Fatherhood (Gen 21)
- Isaac as a family leader (Gen 25)
- Jacob's preference over any others (Gen 27)
- Tithing as initiated by Jacob (Gen 28)
- The family of Jacob (Gen 29)
- ISRAEL (Gen 32)
- The Removal of Pagan items from among God's people (Gen 35)
- The association of Israel with Egypt (Gen 37)
So that is the list I've made. I don't claim it to be all inclusive but it is what I've found. The only one of these that really caught me off guard was number 24. The text says this in 28: 20-22:
"Then Jacob made a vow, saying, 'If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father's house, then the LORD will be my God and this stone that I have set up as a pillar will be God's house, and of all that you give me I will give you a tenth."
So often we talk about the tithe as something God instituted, but it says right here that the first use of this sacrifice is begun by Jacob! A man institued the tradition of giving a tenth of all we have been given to God. That made my view on tithing change. This isn't God saying, "Give me your money," it is Jacob (a fellow flawed human being) saying, "God, I owe you so much and this is part of how I will show my appreciation to you."
As far as other things that caught my attention, the first reference to giants or "The Nephilim" is found in 6:4, and their presence is significant later as the Israelite spies see them (or their decendants) and are so scared that they suggest avoiding the promised land.
When Israel died he asked to be buried with Abraham, Sarah, Isaac and Rebekah and Leah (who were all buried in a tomb together). This is note worthy because all of the story of Jacob's relationship with his wives and family, puts Leah (and her children) second to Rachel (who was buried elsewhere in Bethlehem). In fact when Jabob is going out to meet Esau he is so fearful of his response that he basically lines up his family from the least important at the front to the most important at the rear. This placed the made servants and their childrem up front, Leah and her offspring next, and finally Rachel along with Joseph at the end. From the first moment he met Rachel she was the apple of his eye. Leah was an unforeseen hinderance to him getting to Rachel. And yet he specifically mentions Leah on his deathbed an honor Rachel does not receive. I find it interesting that this is how it worked out. God made the last first.
He carries that pattern through out the text. Abel's offering was better than Cain's; Isaac was the son of promise not Ishmael; Jacob received blessings over Esau; Joseph goes from a lowly prisoner to first among Pharaoh's men; Benjamin (the least of the son's in age) is considered most prized by his father; Jacob blessed Ephraim over Manasseh. The younger son's get preference, and all of this to show that God doesn't care what the world or tradition says about who should be chosen God decides who is the best to be chosen.
I think I will include a list at the end of each book of questions that linger with me. They aren't necessarily important and I will try to also post the chapter from which the question comes. So here it is:
Genesis Questions:
- What about the tower was a problem to God? (Gen 11)
- How did Melchizedek become a priest if the priesthood as we know it did not yet exist? (Gen 14)
- What is the significance of the smoking pot and torch God passes between the animals? (Gen 15)
- What does it mean when it tells us that "The Lord appeared"? is this different from a Messenger (angel) of the Lord appearing? Is this Christ who appeared (as an Amplified version foot note suggests)? (Gen 18)
- Why tell us the story of Judah and Tamar? (Gen 38)
- What do the individual statements/predictions of Israel about his sons mean? are they prophetic? Are they confusing because little is known of the individual character of these men? (Gen 49)
If you have any comments regarding anything I've posted do let me know. I don't know if every Bible thoughts post will be this long but I won't promise that they won't be. Please keep my efforts to continue reading, since they are under continuous attack by a busy life and a cluttered mind.
-matt
***edit***
A long time family friend Paul Fry sent me this link which offers some great insights into my question about Genesis 15.
Thanks Dr. Fry,
-matt
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
"Changes" by David Bowie
So I'm taking a page out of my friend Mitchell Carter's book (or rather blog). I plan to start posting my thoughts on the books of the Bible that I'm reading. I'm going through them in order and I'm currently passing through Genesis 35.
In other news. The bike was stolen. It's really sad to think that someone would take it, but these are just things. So I've had to reconsider my working out goals. The bike issues (both it being broken and now stolen) have really tripped me up in all I had been hoping for this summer.
Today I went out into the heat (91 with a heat index of 106) and walked. I walked roughly 4 miles it took about 70 minutes, and they were miserable. I considered in the midst of the walk how at some point this was the primary mode of travel, sure you might have a pack animal, but as far as general travel this was all there was. So now my goal is to keep this up. I've got Phil as my partner in this since he just tipped the scale at 220 (which is almost where he had started about a year ago when he begin police training). I don't know what weight I want to get down to, or what weight I should be at and I know that if Harrison Dell reads this my lack of a solid goal will drive him nuts. I know I need one but I don't know what yet. I'm too afraid that I will overshoot a proper goal and burn out, or undershoot a good goal and not accomplish much. Input in this area will be appreciated.
What else is going on? Oh yeah I'm changing my major to accounting. I had a real heart to heart with Phil, he was concerned about the lack of real career direction in my life. I mean if ministry turns out to be something I'm not able to do full time and support a family or cover student loan costs I'll need to be employed doing something else. Why accounting? I think I can do it and be satisfied with what I'm doing, and it is a profession that is always needed by employers. I've just signed up for 4 business classes along with Living World Religions and an Oral Comm class (I'm changing it to a minor since I'm already so close to that, just with what I have). In all honesty I feel really good knowing I'm taking a focused direction. I really hope this attitude becomes pervasive in my life.
The last bit of news is sort of a two parter. about a week ago Phil and I were talking about a goal we've wanted to achieve for a month and a half: Getting my family here. We wanted them to meet him, and the other people I with whom I spend my summer. We wanted them to have a real idea in their head of the place that about which they've heard stories from me. So the moment came we had both of them on board to come and now we just needed the money, and after giving it some real thought I told Phil, "I've got the money saved up." He knew the money I was referring to my laptop fund, and he said to me, "You just have to ask yourself which you'd rather have: a few days with them or that laptop." I told him I'd have a check for him as soon as I can. They will be here a week from Friday and I cannot wait, it might actually be the last time all three of us are together since Lizzie is going into the army in September.
The second part of that news is that this past Sunday, Phil is standing before the congregation in the midst of what we've deemed "Family Time," during which we openly share any new prayer requests or prayers answered and any other news about the goings on of people in the church. He then says, "I'd like to talk to everyone about Matt." My face must have looked like a dear in the headlights. I had no idea what was going on I started thinking back for any reason, and it wasn't a special day, I was speaking, but to comment on that would be premature. What could it be? He began to speak very highly of me, and how I have matured since we first met over a year ago. Then he gives me a card I open it and start to read as he recounts the talk we had in deciding how we could afford to get my family here. As he is telling the story I'm reading the card. The statements in it all say things like, "Enjoy it," or "use it well." and just as I'm starting to piece it all together Phil reaches beneath the table and pulls out a laptop box.
I was flabbergasted. truly speechless, I got up and took it, and gave Phil a hug (which is significant since he isn't really a hugger). I have gotten to see it but not use it. Phil is a man of great consideration, which means a lot of research went into the purchase of that particular laptop and he is currently having the Village President (small town mayor) Kenny Scott look it over, since Kenny is also the operator of a computer sales and repair business in town.
The song of the day is "Changes" by David Bowie, because I'm "just gonna have to be a different man, time may change me but I can't trace time." Many things are changing in my life, plans, people, places, and I trust that God over time is using these things to shape me into the man he wants me to be.
-matt
In other news. The bike was stolen. It's really sad to think that someone would take it, but these are just things. So I've had to reconsider my working out goals. The bike issues (both it being broken and now stolen) have really tripped me up in all I had been hoping for this summer.
Today I went out into the heat (91 with a heat index of 106) and walked. I walked roughly 4 miles it took about 70 minutes, and they were miserable. I considered in the midst of the walk how at some point this was the primary mode of travel, sure you might have a pack animal, but as far as general travel this was all there was. So now my goal is to keep this up. I've got Phil as my partner in this since he just tipped the scale at 220 (which is almost where he had started about a year ago when he begin police training). I don't know what weight I want to get down to, or what weight I should be at and I know that if Harrison Dell reads this my lack of a solid goal will drive him nuts. I know I need one but I don't know what yet. I'm too afraid that I will overshoot a proper goal and burn out, or undershoot a good goal and not accomplish much. Input in this area will be appreciated.
What else is going on? Oh yeah I'm changing my major to accounting. I had a real heart to heart with Phil, he was concerned about the lack of real career direction in my life. I mean if ministry turns out to be something I'm not able to do full time and support a family or cover student loan costs I'll need to be employed doing something else. Why accounting? I think I can do it and be satisfied with what I'm doing, and it is a profession that is always needed by employers. I've just signed up for 4 business classes along with Living World Religions and an Oral Comm class (I'm changing it to a minor since I'm already so close to that, just with what I have). In all honesty I feel really good knowing I'm taking a focused direction. I really hope this attitude becomes pervasive in my life.
The last bit of news is sort of a two parter. about a week ago Phil and I were talking about a goal we've wanted to achieve for a month and a half: Getting my family here. We wanted them to meet him, and the other people I with whom I spend my summer. We wanted them to have a real idea in their head of the place that about which they've heard stories from me. So the moment came we had both of them on board to come and now we just needed the money, and after giving it some real thought I told Phil, "I've got the money saved up." He knew the money I was referring to my laptop fund, and he said to me, "You just have to ask yourself which you'd rather have: a few days with them or that laptop." I told him I'd have a check for him as soon as I can. They will be here a week from Friday and I cannot wait, it might actually be the last time all three of us are together since Lizzie is going into the army in September.
The second part of that news is that this past Sunday, Phil is standing before the congregation in the midst of what we've deemed "Family Time," during which we openly share any new prayer requests or prayers answered and any other news about the goings on of people in the church. He then says, "I'd like to talk to everyone about Matt." My face must have looked like a dear in the headlights. I had no idea what was going on I started thinking back for any reason, and it wasn't a special day, I was speaking, but to comment on that would be premature. What could it be? He began to speak very highly of me, and how I have matured since we first met over a year ago. Then he gives me a card I open it and start to read as he recounts the talk we had in deciding how we could afford to get my family here. As he is telling the story I'm reading the card. The statements in it all say things like, "Enjoy it," or "use it well." and just as I'm starting to piece it all together Phil reaches beneath the table and pulls out a laptop box.
I was flabbergasted. truly speechless, I got up and took it, and gave Phil a hug (which is significant since he isn't really a hugger). I have gotten to see it but not use it. Phil is a man of great consideration, which means a lot of research went into the purchase of that particular laptop and he is currently having the Village President (small town mayor) Kenny Scott look it over, since Kenny is also the operator of a computer sales and repair business in town.
The song of the day is "Changes" by David Bowie, because I'm "just gonna have to be a different man, time may change me but I can't trace time." Many things are changing in my life, plans, people, places, and I trust that God over time is using these things to shape me into the man he wants me to be.
-matt
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
"Bicycle Race" by Queen
So recently I've set a goal of being able to complete a specified bike route in a certain amount of time. Yesterday, I went out and I rode the route I was thinking of and it measured it using google maps. I completed it in just over 50 minutes, and it measured out to exactly 7 miles door to door. I did some figuring and found that I was doing an average of just over 7 minutes a mile.
Today I go out and I'm having a tough time of it. My legs had been beat up yesterday so I had adjusted the bike seat for a better range of motion, but still I just knew I was going to have a far worse time than yesterday, and I was debating if I should post backsliding in my biking updates. Then as I pull up to the house, I pull out my phone and check the stopwatch. 39 minutes! I had gone 11 minutes faster than before.
I think it's amazing how limited I'm still willing to let myself feel. I mean how many times will I have to realize that I'm not as weak, slow or unable as I keep telling myself I am!
Lord, help me to be satisfied each step along the way. I've set out on a journey to better your temple, but help me stay comfortable inside this body you've given my soul as a residence for it's time on this earth. You've done so much for me in this provision, and let me never become uncomfortable in your gift. Amen
The song for the day is "Bicycle Race" by Queen. Because as tough as it can be "I love to ride my bicycle, I love to ride my bike," and partly because I know my dad hates this song haha.
Pace e Bene,
-matt
Today I go out and I'm having a tough time of it. My legs had been beat up yesterday so I had adjusted the bike seat for a better range of motion, but still I just knew I was going to have a far worse time than yesterday, and I was debating if I should post backsliding in my biking updates. Then as I pull up to the house, I pull out my phone and check the stopwatch. 39 minutes! I had gone 11 minutes faster than before.
I think it's amazing how limited I'm still willing to let myself feel. I mean how many times will I have to realize that I'm not as weak, slow or unable as I keep telling myself I am!
Lord, help me to be satisfied each step along the way. I've set out on a journey to better your temple, but help me stay comfortable inside this body you've given my soul as a residence for it's time on this earth. You've done so much for me in this provision, and let me never become uncomfortable in your gift. Amen
The song for the day is "Bicycle Race" by Queen. Because as tough as it can be "I love to ride my bicycle, I love to ride my bike," and partly because I know my dad hates this song haha.
Pace e Bene,
-matt
Friday, May 21, 2010
"Poker Face" by Lady Gaga
"I am blessed." I feel that too often this phrase is used, and not often enough believed. We use this phrase when things are nice, when we are happy but how often do we use it when we are put upon by the negatives of life. Only recently have I begun to recognize that the challenges of our lives are blessings, though less disguised than we give them credit for.
Ever since I can remember I've been smart. I don't say this to brag please bear with me until my point can be made from this fact. School was only ever a challenge for me because of poor motivation to complete assignments in a timely manner. I was lazy. Most of my life I have been the person who was asked the meaning of a word or what is a word that fits a meaning. I've been asked about math, science, history, literature, and many other topics throughout my time as a student and answered as best I could given that I am no expert nor do I seek to be one. Until recently I hadn't considered the pride that has fostered in me over what has been a standard of my life for so many years.
On Wednesday May 12, I found that the left side of my face was all but unresponsive. I couldn't move my a cheek, lips or eyebrow on that side of my face. I quickly discovered that this has an effect on my abilities to eat, drink, emote, blink and speak. This last one is by far the worst. I'm a speaker, professionally and socially I like to speak. For the past 5 years or so I've always felt comfortable with speaking in front of crowds or groups, regardless of how well I knew them. I enjoy talking in social situations (as any friend can tell you). Recognizing all of that I had also become proud of my ability to speak. 3 weeks ago in Mobile while joking with my dad I even said, "I don't really have any skills that don't involve talking, but such a skill that is!"
The crossroads of these two points of pride is that I like to sound smart. I use words that are less common. Initially this began because I was tired of using the same few words over and over. I wanted to express that I was happy, with out saying "happy" multiple times. So I started picking up new words such as joyous, ecstatic or something similar to that.
Somewhere along the way as people began to note the variety in my vocabulary, it became a joke that (to quote Hammitt) "Most people write essays the way they speak, but you do the opposite: you speak the way you would write an essay." The real truth is that I slowly became proud of this recognition of my sounding smart, joking though it was.
But now no matter what word I use, no matter, how witty I may try to sound, the voice produced carries a muffled version of my attempt. It is usually recognizable but I know that it sounds as if I've had a stroke. As if maybe my mind isn't what it could be, or at least what it is. And I am so blessed.
I've been freed of a pride I've carried with me for so long. I don't know that my attempts at a better vocabulary will stop, but I do know that their value for sounding like an intellectual is lost. I know that I'll recover from this eventually, and I'll be able to speak normally again. I also know that this could come back at any time; it lives in the back of my mind as a constant reminder of the power of God to give and take as he chooses. I was given a gift and treasured it as my own, as some accomplishment or development of my own, and I was given another gift to show me that my feelings for the first gift were flawed.
I'm not a good speaker right now, in fact if I don't concentrate I'm somewhat difficult to understand. I can only smile with one side of my face, and I smile often. I'll carry a droop in my face for the rest of my life because of my condition, a continuous reminder that what I was given wasn't mine, it was God's. He gave me those skills so that I could share his word with those around me, both from a pulpit and a dinner table, where ever he sends me I am meant to do speak, and now I know this: I'm not meant to speak because I'm a skilled speaker, I'm a good speaker because I'm meant to speak.
Thank you Lord for sharing with me the gift of speech and eloquence, and thank you so much for tempering my pride in those gifts with a knowledge of whose skills those are through Bell's Palsy
The song for the day is "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga. Yes she is the creepiest professionally trained artist in recent memory, but as far as the left side of my face goes you "Can't read my poker face."
-matt
PS If I can't laugh a little at my condition I'd probably lose my mind
Ever since I can remember I've been smart. I don't say this to brag please bear with me until my point can be made from this fact. School was only ever a challenge for me because of poor motivation to complete assignments in a timely manner. I was lazy. Most of my life I have been the person who was asked the meaning of a word or what is a word that fits a meaning. I've been asked about math, science, history, literature, and many other topics throughout my time as a student and answered as best I could given that I am no expert nor do I seek to be one. Until recently I hadn't considered the pride that has fostered in me over what has been a standard of my life for so many years.
On Wednesday May 12, I found that the left side of my face was all but unresponsive. I couldn't move my a cheek, lips or eyebrow on that side of my face. I quickly discovered that this has an effect on my abilities to eat, drink, emote, blink and speak. This last one is by far the worst. I'm a speaker, professionally and socially I like to speak. For the past 5 years or so I've always felt comfortable with speaking in front of crowds or groups, regardless of how well I knew them. I enjoy talking in social situations (as any friend can tell you). Recognizing all of that I had also become proud of my ability to speak. 3 weeks ago in Mobile while joking with my dad I even said, "I don't really have any skills that don't involve talking, but such a skill that is!"
The crossroads of these two points of pride is that I like to sound smart. I use words that are less common. Initially this began because I was tired of using the same few words over and over. I wanted to express that I was happy, with out saying "happy" multiple times. So I started picking up new words such as joyous, ecstatic or something similar to that.
Somewhere along the way as people began to note the variety in my vocabulary, it became a joke that (to quote Hammitt) "Most people write essays the way they speak, but you do the opposite: you speak the way you would write an essay." The real truth is that I slowly became proud of this recognition of my sounding smart, joking though it was.
But now no matter what word I use, no matter, how witty I may try to sound, the voice produced carries a muffled version of my attempt. It is usually recognizable but I know that it sounds as if I've had a stroke. As if maybe my mind isn't what it could be, or at least what it is. And I am so blessed.
I've been freed of a pride I've carried with me for so long. I don't know that my attempts at a better vocabulary will stop, but I do know that their value for sounding like an intellectual is lost. I know that I'll recover from this eventually, and I'll be able to speak normally again. I also know that this could come back at any time; it lives in the back of my mind as a constant reminder of the power of God to give and take as he chooses. I was given a gift and treasured it as my own, as some accomplishment or development of my own, and I was given another gift to show me that my feelings for the first gift were flawed.
I'm not a good speaker right now, in fact if I don't concentrate I'm somewhat difficult to understand. I can only smile with one side of my face, and I smile often. I'll carry a droop in my face for the rest of my life because of my condition, a continuous reminder that what I was given wasn't mine, it was God's. He gave me those skills so that I could share his word with those around me, both from a pulpit and a dinner table, where ever he sends me I am meant to do speak, and now I know this: I'm not meant to speak because I'm a skilled speaker, I'm a good speaker because I'm meant to speak.
Thank you Lord for sharing with me the gift of speech and eloquence, and thank you so much for tempering my pride in those gifts with a knowledge of whose skills those are through Bell's Palsy
The song for the day is "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga. Yes she is the creepiest professionally trained artist in recent memory, but as far as the left side of my face goes you "Can't read my poker face."
-matt
PS If I can't laugh a little at my condition I'd probably lose my mind
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
"Touchdown" by T.I. ft. Eminem
I'm keeping this one kinda short, because I'm going to spend the rest of the night having good times with HUF people for our last night in the Villa.
I'm at this weird point where I'm ready to go home, but not ready to leave. Admittedly we have time together at Cinque Terre, many of us do anyway, but the Villa is a special place, it isn't like a dorm just one big house that everyone lives in where the biggest rule is don't go in your sisters' room. It's such an odd life which I have been privy to these past months, and I'm sad to see it go. I am also rejoicing in my Gulu, my Tanzanian friend, I will get to see him in London and I cannot wait to see how he has grown in the Lord since his baptism last summer.
Then I get to go to Searcy and spend about a week with almost everyone, the obvious exception being those who are overseas in Chile. From there I travel south to Mobile to visit with my family, that will be an interesting homecoming given the stresses that have been plaguing dad with his living situation with uncle andrew, Lizzie not knowing what is happening with her life, and not sure what to think of the situation with mom just now. Then there is Huntsville the land of old friends Joseph, Brandon and everyone. Finally on May the 19th/20th I will head to Meredosia once again.
I'm excited to head back. I have heard about so many great changes that have happened, and I can't wait to see everyone again.
As I said tomorrow we leave first Cinque, then Barcelona, Paris, Brussels, Amsterdam, Berlin, and then probably Scotland followed by London to wrap things up. I'm gonna be tired, smelly, and sore and I can't wait! I love being a person who is comfortable with being uncomfortable, I look forward to trying to camp out in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower with Darby Joanna, Augs, and Beggs. This is going to be awesome.
The song for the day is "Touchdown" by T.I. ft. Eminem, because I can't wait to touchdown in Little Rock, and watch everyone else go bananas.
Pace e Bene
-matt
I'm at this weird point where I'm ready to go home, but not ready to leave. Admittedly we have time together at Cinque Terre, many of us do anyway, but the Villa is a special place, it isn't like a dorm just one big house that everyone lives in where the biggest rule is don't go in your sisters' room. It's such an odd life which I have been privy to these past months, and I'm sad to see it go. I am also rejoicing in my Gulu, my Tanzanian friend, I will get to see him in London and I cannot wait to see how he has grown in the Lord since his baptism last summer.
Then I get to go to Searcy and spend about a week with almost everyone, the obvious exception being those who are overseas in Chile. From there I travel south to Mobile to visit with my family, that will be an interesting homecoming given the stresses that have been plaguing dad with his living situation with uncle andrew, Lizzie not knowing what is happening with her life, and not sure what to think of the situation with mom just now. Then there is Huntsville the land of old friends Joseph, Brandon and everyone. Finally on May the 19th/20th I will head to Meredosia once again.
I'm excited to head back. I have heard about so many great changes that have happened, and I can't wait to see everyone again.
As I said tomorrow we leave first Cinque, then Barcelona, Paris, Brussels, Amsterdam, Berlin, and then probably Scotland followed by London to wrap things up. I'm gonna be tired, smelly, and sore and I can't wait! I love being a person who is comfortable with being uncomfortable, I look forward to trying to camp out in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower with Darby Joanna, Augs, and Beggs. This is going to be awesome.
The song for the day is "Touchdown" by T.I. ft. Eminem, because I can't wait to touchdown in Little Rock, and watch everyone else go bananas.
Pace e Bene
-matt
Saturday, March 13, 2010
"It's a Great Day to Be Alive" by Travis Tritt
Forward: I am officially going down to 1 blog and this is the one I'm choosing, Flowersview and Flowers in Firenze (not to mention the two other's floating around out there from times past) will remain in existence but I just feel like I need to bring my life into a single existence in order to avoid a mindset that compartmentalizes. My life in Florence, My views on life, and the goings on in my life are all interrelated, and I should treat them as such.
I am a very selfish, and therefore a very negative being. I have lived my life pursuing things that fulfill me (or at the very least seem to fulfill me) and because of that I have always eventually found myself being disappointed and wanting more. Such is my life.
I say all this because I realized over the past few days that this isn't who I want to be anymore. I want to be a positive force in the lives of those around me. There are individuals like that in my life. Some are purely positive and some are like what I am becoming. A person with a high view of Humanity that understands that it will enevitably disappoint. I like to think of it like what Jor-El says to a young superman as he heads toward earth "They can be a great people, Kal-El, they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good, I have sent them you... my only son." I try to remember that and focus on the positive things in my life. Check out Philippians 4:8-9 to see what I'm focusing on now. My favorite part of that list is that literally it says "if there is any excellence," which just makes it so tangible, so much really than some translations render is: "if there is anything excellent."
I love being in Florence, in Italy, and as much as I miss people here I know that deep down I need to enjoy this time I've been given and appreciate it for the gift it is. It's a shame I didn't realize this until we only had about 2 weeks left... I guess I'll just have to live it up and do so make up living.
The Song of the Day is, "It's a Great Day to Be Alive" by Travis Tritt, because ever since that song was played during a slide show from Mission Impossible Day it has been like a theme song for the group and me personally so I'm gonna keep it rolling.
Pace e Bene (Peace and Love)
-matt
I am a very selfish, and therefore a very negative being. I have lived my life pursuing things that fulfill me (or at the very least seem to fulfill me) and because of that I have always eventually found myself being disappointed and wanting more. Such is my life.
I say all this because I realized over the past few days that this isn't who I want to be anymore. I want to be a positive force in the lives of those around me. There are individuals like that in my life. Some are purely positive and some are like what I am becoming. A person with a high view of Humanity that understands that it will enevitably disappoint. I like to think of it like what Jor-El says to a young superman as he heads toward earth "They can be a great people, Kal-El, they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good, I have sent them you... my only son." I try to remember that and focus on the positive things in my life. Check out Philippians 4:8-9 to see what I'm focusing on now. My favorite part of that list is that literally it says "if there is any excellence," which just makes it so tangible, so much really than some translations render is: "if there is anything excellent."
I love being in Florence, in Italy, and as much as I miss people here I know that deep down I need to enjoy this time I've been given and appreciate it for the gift it is. It's a shame I didn't realize this until we only had about 2 weeks left... I guess I'll just have to live it up and do so make up living.
The Song of the Day is, "It's a Great Day to Be Alive" by Travis Tritt, because ever since that song was played during a slide show from Mission Impossible Day it has been like a theme song for the group and me personally so I'm gonna keep it rolling.
Pace e Bene (Peace and Love)
-matt
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