I'm becoming more and more aware that people actually read these posts.
That being said, I think I'm going to start doing some over hauling in my life getting rid of things I dislike and adding some things I so.
For example, I'm going to stop being intimidated by girls, in particular the pretty ones. I've seen enough guys around here that are rank low in the asthetics department with beautiful girls, so I'm going to move past that weakness. In particular there is this absolutely stunning girl in my biology class. Minimum she is an 8.5 of 10, and I'm petrified to even speak to her but I can't stop from staring while that class is going on, I think I might change that.
I'm sure there are others but that is a primary goal.
The song for the day is "Can't Takes My Eyes off of You" by Frank Sinatra, in memory of the late great Heath Ledger, and because I think it applies.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
"Down with the Sickness" by Disturbed
Well, I'm officially very sick. My head is pounding, my nose is running, and stopped up all at once. My sneezing and coughing reflexes are on red alert, and my throat feels like its on fire.
I missed out on a job opportunity today, but I'm still really hopeful that I can find something. I've been spending my waking hours, practicing chords on my guitar and playing video games... oh and sleeping, alot.
I'm going to see the nurse tomorrow, I hope she has something that will just knock me out.
I have broken an unwritten rule that I have about naming blogs. I have named two consecutive entries after songs by the same artist. The song of the day is "Down with the Sickness" by Disturbed. I should hope that the reason would be obvious.
-matt
I missed out on a job opportunity today, but I'm still really hopeful that I can find something. I've been spending my waking hours, practicing chords on my guitar and playing video games... oh and sleeping, alot.
I'm going to see the nurse tomorrow, I hope she has something that will just knock me out.
I have broken an unwritten rule that I have about naming blogs. I have named two consecutive entries after songs by the same artist. The song of the day is "Down with the Sickness" by Disturbed. I should hope that the reason would be obvious.
-matt
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
"Remember" by Disturbed
As I look back on this past years of my life and consider all I've done with my life, I've begun to consider all those whose lives have been tied to mine for even a moment. Those I've bumped into and apologized to, those who have served me at restaurants, those I've met through friends, those who became friends, and those that I couldn't live without it.
I've wondered what my life would be like without them, and what they're lives would be like without me. I think about those I left on bad terms, those whose lives I've heard of going down hill after my departure from them. I wonder if I could have done anything. If I had stayed connected with them, would their lives have varied. Would mine?
I've been thinking about my friend James alot since I saw him last week. I remember meeting him, and the slow sometimes painful progression of our friendship. I remember the times he looked after me, and I him.
Then I consider where he is now. He is going down a rough path. He decided not to go to college. He's engaged to a girl that he used to hate. A girl who is dedicated to removing all of his friends from his life. Most of us haven't recieved an invite to his wedding and probably won't. Only one of us was invited, as the best man, but he has something else he is dedicated to. Plus he doesn't support the marriage. Most of us are willing to accept him being with this girl, like her or not, but what we don't support is him getting married so young with no prospect of ever having a college education.
The worst thing is she is using us not liking her as a reason for him to avoid us. Everytime we want to hang out, she has to be there. He is definitely in the top 10 of the most influential people in my life, which makes it so hard to watch him just give up and settle like this. He has always been smarter than any of us, in school and most other stuff, but he never saw reason to try, and now he never will.
"Remember" by Disturbed...nuff said.
-matt
I've wondered what my life would be like without them, and what they're lives would be like without me. I think about those I left on bad terms, those whose lives I've heard of going down hill after my departure from them. I wonder if I could have done anything. If I had stayed connected with them, would their lives have varied. Would mine?
I've been thinking about my friend James alot since I saw him last week. I remember meeting him, and the slow sometimes painful progression of our friendship. I remember the times he looked after me, and I him.
Then I consider where he is now. He is going down a rough path. He decided not to go to college. He's engaged to a girl that he used to hate. A girl who is dedicated to removing all of his friends from his life. Most of us haven't recieved an invite to his wedding and probably won't. Only one of us was invited, as the best man, but he has something else he is dedicated to. Plus he doesn't support the marriage. Most of us are willing to accept him being with this girl, like her or not, but what we don't support is him getting married so young with no prospect of ever having a college education.
The worst thing is she is using us not liking her as a reason for him to avoid us. Everytime we want to hang out, she has to be there. He is definitely in the top 10 of the most influential people in my life, which makes it so hard to watch him just give up and settle like this. He has always been smarter than any of us, in school and most other stuff, but he never saw reason to try, and now he never will.
"Remember" by Disturbed...nuff said.
-matt
Monday, December 31, 2007
"Have It All" by Jeremy Kay
I need to update more often.
The most recent events have been some of the most interesting. I went down to Mobile to see my mom for Christmas. Almost everyday we went to see my Grandmuzh and Uncle Andrew, but we only go to see my cousin Bowen twice. This quickly irratated my mom. We had agreed to go open presents with our dad's family on Christmas day around two, because after present opening with our mom and Christmas lunch there wasn't much else we were going to do. When my mom found out she tried to make us go see some of her family luckily she got a headache so we didn't have too.
I met Tim, my mom's live-in boyfriend. It took me a while to accept that he hadn't wronged me, he was just in a strange circumstance and I should treat him fairly. I will say that he seems to have a lot of qualities in common with my dad except that he doesn't try to regulate her spending, mostly because there isn't much for her to spend (the Starbucks Ass. Manager doesn't get paid that well).
It was an interesting visit full of highs and lows, but I don't intend to dwell on it.
And so now its time for the traditional end of the year wrap up!
Despite all thats happened I think I can safely say that this has been the best year of my life, at least where personal growth is concerned.
I've gone through many trials and tribulations (see this and older blogs for more details), but I've managed to come out on top.
I am now more confident than ever in who I am as a person; I'm taking better care of myself physically; I'm going to school and doing well; and most of all, because of all of this, I have become more confident in myself as a person.
I'm not going to sit around and list every negative thing that has happened to me this year, because, there are too many and most of them appear somewhere in my blogs.
I will say that this is the first year I can look back on and see more good than bad.
The song for the day is "Have It All" by Jeremy Kay because "Some days I feel like crying..." and "Some days I feel like singing..."
-matt
The most recent events have been some of the most interesting. I went down to Mobile to see my mom for Christmas. Almost everyday we went to see my Grandmuzh and Uncle Andrew, but we only go to see my cousin Bowen twice. This quickly irratated my mom. We had agreed to go open presents with our dad's family on Christmas day around two, because after present opening with our mom and Christmas lunch there wasn't much else we were going to do. When my mom found out she tried to make us go see some of her family luckily she got a headache so we didn't have too.
I met Tim, my mom's live-in boyfriend. It took me a while to accept that he hadn't wronged me, he was just in a strange circumstance and I should treat him fairly. I will say that he seems to have a lot of qualities in common with my dad except that he doesn't try to regulate her spending, mostly because there isn't much for her to spend (the Starbucks Ass. Manager doesn't get paid that well).
It was an interesting visit full of highs and lows, but I don't intend to dwell on it.
And so now its time for the traditional end of the year wrap up!
Despite all thats happened I think I can safely say that this has been the best year of my life, at least where personal growth is concerned.
I've gone through many trials and tribulations (see this and older blogs for more details), but I've managed to come out on top.
I am now more confident than ever in who I am as a person; I'm taking better care of myself physically; I'm going to school and doing well; and most of all, because of all of this, I have become more confident in myself as a person.
I'm not going to sit around and list every negative thing that has happened to me this year, because, there are too many and most of them appear somewhere in my blogs.
I will say that this is the first year I can look back on and see more good than bad.
The song for the day is "Have It All" by Jeremy Kay because "Some days I feel like crying..." and "Some days I feel like singing..."
-matt
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
"Story of a Girl" by Nine Days
You know its awe-inspiring how incredible God can be.
In my last post I discussed the problems my family was having in regards to moving. Well, on tuesday night of finals week I found out that we were good to go when it came to moving. I spent an entire night not sleeping; all I could think about was the unfortunate circumstances they were headed to despite a cushy job for my dad. Wednesday after my last final I called my dad to get more details when he told me that we/they, weren't moving.
I was so relieved. When I asked him why he said that not long after the confirmation call with the man he would be working under. He received word from his brother that he (my uncle) had been let go, and so had the man who had hired my father. My dad couldn't have phrased it any better, "There was no clearer sign for me not to move and take that job, than when the guy who was hiring me got sacked.
You see aparently the hospital, or its parent company, had been struggling for a while and the owner had finally decided to let go of several key members of the administration. Whether or not this was an attempt to bring in a new administration was not made clear. However my dad found clarity enough to stay.
We are still moving but it will be in Huntsville rather than Mobile. Thats one problem down.
I've still not learned that much more about reading signs with girls and I'm afraid that with most of them, even if I was to get up the nerve to ask them out, what am I to do? Ask them on a date where they drive and we have to go dutch because I have no money? Not my idea of a romantic evening, or for that matter an enjoyable one. Admittedly I've been on very few first dates in my life but in every situation I was able to drive my beater of a car to pick them up and pay the cost of the outing and down-grading really isn't in the cards so unless they find the caf or the student center, and a free friday movie in the Benson interesting then I'm pretty well boned.
Oh and let us not forget the impending trip I'm taking to Mobile this Saturday to visit with my mom and other family. I'm not looking forward to it. At least not as much as people seem to expect I should. I mean whenever I mention that I'm going to see her people, usually unfamiliar with the story surrounding this event, expect some level of exuberance; they are too often disappointed. Honestly my goal is to go the entire trip without arguing with her, which really just depends on how many times I can handle the lies she believes about what went down between her and us.
I'm worried for Liz, too. Not just with my mom, but all of it. In the last year or so, her mother left her, I went to school and then my grandmother quit on us, too, more for financial than personal reasons. If Liz walks out of all of this without abandonment issues I'll be amazed. Its hard for me to be around her knowing that she is stuck in all of this mess and in less than a month I'll be living a pretty decent life in a dorm with my friends. What kind of brother does that to his sister, seriously? A pretty shitty one. I mean I know that if I was here it wouldn't do her much better, but atleast she'd have someone to suffer the hardship with her. As it is she just has all the church people and her friends, most of whom have two effective parents and are fairly well off financially. I don't blame them for it, or hold it against them, but only arrogance or ignorance could convince someone in their position that they could understand what she is going through.
I'm the closest one to her situation and what did I do? I left. I left and when 300 someodd miles away to go to school. I haven't ever truly wanted for much in this life. Never have I so desperately for anything as I wish that I could help her. I wish I could protect her from the pain she feels, pain that I wouldn't wish on any enemy. The pain of hearing your mom's voice as she tells you she is leaving and moving away, to help herself, while you stay behind left to God knows what trials. My only wish the Christmas has been that she would have a good one, free from the pain and the stress that this world has chosen to deal to her.
I walked into her room tonight. Just to say goodnight and we got to talking about this and that what we got dad for christmas, and so on when in mid-sentence she dropped the phone in her hand and stared at me with pain in her eyes, tears welling up. She said, "I didn't get you anything." Tears came down her face at that realization. I tried to console her and let her know that I didn't want for anything in my life, and that she didn't owe me a thing, but she knew I had gotten her something, and guilt overtook her for a moment. I wish I could protect her from the pain that made her cry.
I don't know much about this world. I don't know a laserjet printer works, or how exactly you can burn information on to a disc. I don't understand how we can get such clear images of images as far away as the planets other stars. But one thing I do know is that I would give anything to see her happy, and I will hurt anyone who causes her pain. There isn't much in this world I can call my own. A dad, an estranged mother, and the mounds of trouble she has caused us, but the one thing I know more than anything is that I have a sister that I love dearly, one I would do anything for regardless of the cost to me. And I know that I hate that pained look on her face, it hurts me more than anything else in this world.
Those are the biggest things on my plate right now. The song of the day is "Story of a Girl" by Nine Days, because, "This is the story of a girl ,who cried a river and drowned the whole world, and while she looks so sad in photographs, I absolutely love her, when she smiles."
-matt
Ps (pardon the language, even with a broad vocabulary the four letter word is the most expressive)
In my last post I discussed the problems my family was having in regards to moving. Well, on tuesday night of finals week I found out that we were good to go when it came to moving. I spent an entire night not sleeping; all I could think about was the unfortunate circumstances they were headed to despite a cushy job for my dad. Wednesday after my last final I called my dad to get more details when he told me that we/they, weren't moving.
I was so relieved. When I asked him why he said that not long after the confirmation call with the man he would be working under. He received word from his brother that he (my uncle) had been let go, and so had the man who had hired my father. My dad couldn't have phrased it any better, "There was no clearer sign for me not to move and take that job, than when the guy who was hiring me got sacked.
You see aparently the hospital, or its parent company, had been struggling for a while and the owner had finally decided to let go of several key members of the administration. Whether or not this was an attempt to bring in a new administration was not made clear. However my dad found clarity enough to stay.
We are still moving but it will be in Huntsville rather than Mobile. Thats one problem down.
I've still not learned that much more about reading signs with girls and I'm afraid that with most of them, even if I was to get up the nerve to ask them out, what am I to do? Ask them on a date where they drive and we have to go dutch because I have no money? Not my idea of a romantic evening, or for that matter an enjoyable one. Admittedly I've been on very few first dates in my life but in every situation I was able to drive my beater of a car to pick them up and pay the cost of the outing and down-grading really isn't in the cards so unless they find the caf or the student center, and a free friday movie in the Benson interesting then I'm pretty well boned.
Oh and let us not forget the impending trip I'm taking to Mobile this Saturday to visit with my mom and other family. I'm not looking forward to it. At least not as much as people seem to expect I should. I mean whenever I mention that I'm going to see her people, usually unfamiliar with the story surrounding this event, expect some level of exuberance; they are too often disappointed. Honestly my goal is to go the entire trip without arguing with her, which really just depends on how many times I can handle the lies she believes about what went down between her and us.
I'm worried for Liz, too. Not just with my mom, but all of it. In the last year or so, her mother left her, I went to school and then my grandmother quit on us, too, more for financial than personal reasons. If Liz walks out of all of this without abandonment issues I'll be amazed. Its hard for me to be around her knowing that she is stuck in all of this mess and in less than a month I'll be living a pretty decent life in a dorm with my friends. What kind of brother does that to his sister, seriously? A pretty shitty one. I mean I know that if I was here it wouldn't do her much better, but atleast she'd have someone to suffer the hardship with her. As it is she just has all the church people and her friends, most of whom have two effective parents and are fairly well off financially. I don't blame them for it, or hold it against them, but only arrogance or ignorance could convince someone in their position that they could understand what she is going through.
I'm the closest one to her situation and what did I do? I left. I left and when 300 someodd miles away to go to school. I haven't ever truly wanted for much in this life. Never have I so desperately for anything as I wish that I could help her. I wish I could protect her from the pain she feels, pain that I wouldn't wish on any enemy. The pain of hearing your mom's voice as she tells you she is leaving and moving away, to help herself, while you stay behind left to God knows what trials. My only wish the Christmas has been that she would have a good one, free from the pain and the stress that this world has chosen to deal to her.
I walked into her room tonight. Just to say goodnight and we got to talking about this and that what we got dad for christmas, and so on when in mid-sentence she dropped the phone in her hand and stared at me with pain in her eyes, tears welling up. She said, "I didn't get you anything." Tears came down her face at that realization. I tried to console her and let her know that I didn't want for anything in my life, and that she didn't owe me a thing, but she knew I had gotten her something, and guilt overtook her for a moment. I wish I could protect her from the pain that made her cry.
I don't know much about this world. I don't know a laserjet printer works, or how exactly you can burn information on to a disc. I don't understand how we can get such clear images of images as far away as the planets other stars. But one thing I do know is that I would give anything to see her happy, and I will hurt anyone who causes her pain. There isn't much in this world I can call my own. A dad, an estranged mother, and the mounds of trouble she has caused us, but the one thing I know more than anything is that I have a sister that I love dearly, one I would do anything for regardless of the cost to me. And I know that I hate that pained look on her face, it hurts me more than anything else in this world.
Those are the biggest things on my plate right now. The song of the day is "Story of a Girl" by Nine Days, because, "This is the story of a girl ,who cried a river and drowned the whole world, and while she looks so sad in photographs, I absolutely love her, when she smiles."
-matt
Ps (pardon the language, even with a broad vocabulary the four letter word is the most expressive)
Monday, December 3, 2007
"Overkill" by Colin Hay
Wow nearly a month without a post that's a problem.
Lets see since then alot has happened, hence the craziness of this busy time. I'm balancing alot on my plate right now.
Most importantly my family is considering moving to back to Mobile, Al. My uncle has arranged for my dad to interview for the position of Head of the Imaging Department at Springhill Hospital. Its a big deal because without the help of my Uncle my dad couldn't even dream of such a position. It would pay a good deal more than his current job and he'd be able to afford all sorts of things for the family me and Liz he never could have before. There is even a condo with his name on it.
So why turn down such an amazing offer? Among other things they/we would be moving away from all of our friends as well as our church family, and they'd be moving away from people who love them to what? My mom, and a bunch of my dads old friends, most of whom he doesn't like. Few people he knows down there are spiritually guided, my grandmother (his mother) being one of them. Honestly, as much as I would like to have a safer financial family future I don't think it's worth the cost.
On other fronts, I'm getting kind of worn out with some of my friends, apparently they find it funny that I reference my home alot. I made the mistake of telling Josh that I was from Mobile originally and he does his best to reference it at every turn. I've tried to explain to him why I don't enjoy hearing about Mobile, and lets just say it has nothing to do with the potential move. I hate to say it but I may have to cut myself off from them if they keep doing this. I'm sick of being disrespected by so called friends.
Most of them have no idea what I'm going through, no idea the kind of pain I'm suffering from because of what has happened to me.
I'm so sick of trying to figure out whats going on between me and Brittany. Sometimes I think she likes me others I don't and with everything else on my plate that my be the first thing to drop.
The song of the day is "Overkill" by Colin Hay, because thats what all this is overkill.
-matt
Lets see since then alot has happened, hence the craziness of this busy time. I'm balancing alot on my plate right now.
Most importantly my family is considering moving to back to Mobile, Al. My uncle has arranged for my dad to interview for the position of Head of the Imaging Department at Springhill Hospital. Its a big deal because without the help of my Uncle my dad couldn't even dream of such a position. It would pay a good deal more than his current job and he'd be able to afford all sorts of things for the family me and Liz he never could have before. There is even a condo with his name on it.
So why turn down such an amazing offer? Among other things they/we would be moving away from all of our friends as well as our church family, and they'd be moving away from people who love them to what? My mom, and a bunch of my dads old friends, most of whom he doesn't like. Few people he knows down there are spiritually guided, my grandmother (his mother) being one of them. Honestly, as much as I would like to have a safer financial family future I don't think it's worth the cost.
On other fronts, I'm getting kind of worn out with some of my friends, apparently they find it funny that I reference my home alot. I made the mistake of telling Josh that I was from Mobile originally and he does his best to reference it at every turn. I've tried to explain to him why I don't enjoy hearing about Mobile, and lets just say it has nothing to do with the potential move. I hate to say it but I may have to cut myself off from them if they keep doing this. I'm sick of being disrespected by so called friends.
Most of them have no idea what I'm going through, no idea the kind of pain I'm suffering from because of what has happened to me.
I'm so sick of trying to figure out whats going on between me and Brittany. Sometimes I think she likes me others I don't and with everything else on my plate that my be the first thing to drop.
The song of the day is "Overkill" by Colin Hay, because thats what all this is overkill.
-matt
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
"Across 110th Street" by Bobby Womack
Ok, so I'm not sure what do.
See my friend and a girl seem to have this wierd flirty friendship goin on, and since I hang out with him almost every day. I'm around it, and more importantly I'm around one of her friends. Her friend is really a wonderful girl. She is witty, cute, and funny. The thing is that I'm only ever around her when our friends are around, and we get along well, but we never interact outside of that, and there is the occasional sense that there is this other (taken) guy she is interested in. I'd like to ask her out, but I don't know if she even sees me that way so...ugh.
Anyway went and saw American Gangster which is by far the most impressive organized crime movie I've ever seen in theatre's.
The song for the day is "Across 110th Street" by Bobby Womack, which is a great song to summarize the movie.
-matt
See my friend and a girl seem to have this wierd flirty friendship goin on, and since I hang out with him almost every day. I'm around it, and more importantly I'm around one of her friends. Her friend is really a wonderful girl. She is witty, cute, and funny. The thing is that I'm only ever around her when our friends are around, and we get along well, but we never interact outside of that, and there is the occasional sense that there is this other (taken) guy she is interested in. I'd like to ask her out, but I don't know if she even sees me that way so...ugh.
Anyway went and saw American Gangster which is by far the most impressive organized crime movie I've ever seen in theatre's.
The song for the day is "Across 110th Street" by Bobby Womack, which is a great song to summarize the movie.
-matt
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