First of all I would like to say that though the song of the day "Perfect Situation" by Weezer is a romantically inclined song this post is not about romantic relationships persay.
Today pretty much sucked. I have been late for 3/4 class, and I was only on time to one because it directly followed a class I had been late for.
In my class the most bizarre thing happened that though funny now was quite embarrassing at the time. I set my papers on my desk and turned to talk to a friend (The teacher hadn't quite started yet) and as I did so my lecture notes fell to the ground, and one of them (the starting page for that days lecture) managed to get sucked into the air conditioning unit on the wall next to me. Jeb witnessed this and told me about it. I didn't believe him at first but after going through my papers I found that he was incredibly correct in his statement. Following that realization were a series of apologies from me to him, that the teacher over heard. "Matt?" she called out, "is something wrong." My face turned red as I prepared to tell her what would surely sound like a less likely story than that my dog had eaten my notes.
"Um," I began, "I know this sounds crazy but my paper has been sucked up into the AC unit."
"Really?"
"Yes Ma'am," I said the class beginning to snicker. But it quickly settled down. I did eventually retrieve the rouge sheet after some prying.
But the real coup de gras of the day was that just between my core excersizes in my room and my upper body exercizes in the gym I recieved a phone call from a girl.
She was inviting me to join her in the student center for some taco bell and presumably some light conversation. This had occured several times in spontaneous burst, but my mind apparently decided this was the time it wanted to take a coffee break and it would be back in about five minutes, meanwhile instinct was left to figure out the controls.
I fumbled for words (suprised at the invite). I could hear every logical thought saying "yes," but as I said my brain was having a nice espresso somewhere. Instead I chose to tell the stupid series of lies I've told since I was five and tried to explain how my toys had been left in the rain when I had been playing by myself that day, without putting blame on me.
The conversation was something to the effect of the following:
Me:"i have no money" (lie)
Her:"Not even DCB"
Me: "No, I've spent it all"(Lie)
Her: "Really did you have $200?"
Me: "No I only had a hundred," (LIE)
Her: "I thought all freshman had to get the $200 dollar thing?"
Me: "I dunno I just didn't" (LIE!)
Her: "Well are you going to the caf" (an apparent attempt at compromise)
Me: "Actually I was about to go to the gym" (true but still a stupid response)
Her: "Oh well okay. Have fun"
It was at about this moment that my brain returned to the room with a small whip cream mustache and yelled "what is wrong with you?!" To which instinct could only respond that it wasn't trained for these kinds of encounters.
All joking aside, the question I'm asking myself is why did I behave like I did?
I didn't consider this invitation any kind of romantic encounter, I'm able to talk to this girl on a regular basis, so why the idiotic behavior?
The best answer I can come up with is that I still haven't gotten over certain traumatic aspects of my strained relationship with my mom. When she left, or more over because of the manner in which she left, I lost my ability to establish meaningful relationships with women. For the most part I have maintained those preexisting relationships, but beginning new ones is difficult for me.
This invitation seemed to offer a chance at establishing such a relationship, and I couldn't let that happen.
I pray that I will have the strength to overcome this weakness.
-matt
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
"Fall Back Down" by Rancid
Well its pretty early in the week to write about how dissapointing its been but none the less:
I've been really hoping to get a visitation invite from Gamma Sigma Phi (the guys club I wanted to join), but I went by my box and all that was in there was the BOX list thats been there since Saturday, sitting there teasing me about how I was accepted by the club I didn't want.
I would hold out some hope but Braden got an email and a letter in his box, so it looks like I'm done with clubs for the year. I'm not gonna pretend that it doesn't hurt because I had gotten to know alot of the guys pretty well and I really thought I was at least gonna make it to visitation week. I guess if I'm not gonna get in its better to know sooner than later.
The song of the day is "Fall Back Down" by Rancid, because "when I fall back down you're gonna help me back up again. When I fall back down you're gonna be my friend."
-matt
I've been really hoping to get a visitation invite from Gamma Sigma Phi (the guys club I wanted to join), but I went by my box and all that was in there was the BOX list thats been there since Saturday, sitting there teasing me about how I was accepted by the club I didn't want.
I would hold out some hope but Braden got an email and a letter in his box, so it looks like I'm done with clubs for the year. I'm not gonna pretend that it doesn't hurt because I had gotten to know alot of the guys pretty well and I really thought I was at least gonna make it to visitation week. I guess if I'm not gonna get in its better to know sooner than later.
The song of the day is "Fall Back Down" by Rancid, because "when I fall back down you're gonna help me back up again. When I fall back down you're gonna be my friend."
-matt
Sunday, September 23, 2007
"Who I am Hates Who I've Been" by Relient K
Today has been a truly satisfying day.
Before expounding on that I will say that today's "Song of the Day" is Who I am Hates Who I've Been" by Relient K, because I'm starting to think about what I have missed out on in the past because I was too hesitant.
Which brings me to my day. It was a pretty rough start to the day, I hadn't slept well all night (up every hour on the hour so to speak), and then I woke up an hour early because my clock was set wrong and I had gone passed the point of no return in my conscious actions (I brushed my teeth) before I realized. After all this I loaded up with Mark and braden in Mark's car to go to Heber. Two other cars were involved: Jong Hwa drove himself, Matt Smith, Tom and Mattie, and Caleb drove himself, Molly, and two other girls, whose names I don't recall off hand (sorry about that I'm bad with names).
When we arrived it really hit me what all the cliff jumping talk was about. We went up to what had to be a 40 to 50 ft cliff and the others proceeded to jump, off and into water that none could touch the bottom of it. Well I'm acrophobic, so I chose not to jump dispite much proding from my friends. This did give me a chance to hang out with the girls that rode with Caleb, and watch one of them attempt several times to jump off with little success. She Wile-E-Coyoted it, a straight run and fall. Ironically mocking her without having done it myself.
Well after a while we decide to break for lunch, we went to subway where the guys discovered the wonders of microwaved cookies. We headed back and hung out near some of the smaller cliffs, and I decided to go for it. So I jumped about 15 to 25ft and it was fun.
Now I don't claim to know what happened next, but if I had to guess I would say that the jump was just the poke needed to awaken the beast within. Suddenly I was ravenous for more, I wanted, nay needed, a greater thrill,, then I knew what I needed to do I needed to conquer the roof toilet (A 'Scrubs'-based metaphor for overcoming one's weakness). So I rallied a small group into going back to the 50 foot jump and after watching Braden go over I knew that this was the moment and I went for it. The fall took forever, I plunged into the water sinking like a stone my feet grazing the bottom of the lake, my ears popping in pain. I surfaced to cheers from my friends I had done it I had conquerered the roof toilet.
After that the day only got better, save the knot on my head from a royal head knock, when I was climbing back up. I arrived back home and slept, ate a meager dinner at the caf with Mark and Braden, then we parted ways I went to my room and goofed off for a bit until Mark came by, then he, Tom, and I watched the first six episodes of The Office Season 2 (we finished Season 1 last night), and followed that up by watching Rainman (more incidental than purposeful).
And now I'm going to go to bed and hope the knot in my head will fade and the water in my ear will leave, and soaking in the knowledge of my success and the success of Auburn (not to mention the failure of bama).
-matthew
Before expounding on that I will say that today's "Song of the Day" is Who I am Hates Who I've Been" by Relient K, because I'm starting to think about what I have missed out on in the past because I was too hesitant.
Which brings me to my day. It was a pretty rough start to the day, I hadn't slept well all night (up every hour on the hour so to speak), and then I woke up an hour early because my clock was set wrong and I had gone passed the point of no return in my conscious actions (I brushed my teeth) before I realized. After all this I loaded up with Mark and braden in Mark's car to go to Heber. Two other cars were involved: Jong Hwa drove himself, Matt Smith, Tom and Mattie, and Caleb drove himself, Molly, and two other girls, whose names I don't recall off hand (sorry about that I'm bad with names).
When we arrived it really hit me what all the cliff jumping talk was about. We went up to what had to be a 40 to 50 ft cliff and the others proceeded to jump, off and into water that none could touch the bottom of it. Well I'm acrophobic, so I chose not to jump dispite much proding from my friends. This did give me a chance to hang out with the girls that rode with Caleb, and watch one of them attempt several times to jump off with little success. She Wile-E-Coyoted it, a straight run and fall. Ironically mocking her without having done it myself.
Well after a while we decide to break for lunch, we went to subway where the guys discovered the wonders of microwaved cookies. We headed back and hung out near some of the smaller cliffs, and I decided to go for it. So I jumped about 15 to 25ft and it was fun.
Now I don't claim to know what happened next, but if I had to guess I would say that the jump was just the poke needed to awaken the beast within. Suddenly I was ravenous for more, I wanted, nay needed, a greater thrill,, then I knew what I needed to do I needed to conquer the roof toilet (A 'Scrubs'-based metaphor for overcoming one's weakness). So I rallied a small group into going back to the 50 foot jump and after watching Braden go over I knew that this was the moment and I went for it. The fall took forever, I plunged into the water sinking like a stone my feet grazing the bottom of the lake, my ears popping in pain. I surfaced to cheers from my friends I had done it I had conquerered the roof toilet.
After that the day only got better, save the knot on my head from a royal head knock, when I was climbing back up. I arrived back home and slept, ate a meager dinner at the caf with Mark and Braden, then we parted ways I went to my room and goofed off for a bit until Mark came by, then he, Tom, and I watched the first six episodes of The Office Season 2 (we finished Season 1 last night), and followed that up by watching Rainman (more incidental than purposeful).
And now I'm going to go to bed and hope the knot in my head will fade and the water in my ear will leave, and soaking in the knowledge of my success and the success of Auburn (not to mention the failure of bama).
-matthew
Thursday, September 20, 2007
"This is Your Life" by Switchfoot
I'm giving this blog thing a serious try.
I'm continuing my pattern from previous blogs, so I'll have a "song of the day" for every post I make.
I've chosen "This is Your Life" by Switchfoot, as my first "Song of the Day" because I feel it captures these past five weeks as I've adjusted to college life. The song asks "Are you who you want to be?" and for the first time in a long time I can say, "I am closer than ever."
I've never felt better about myself than I do now. I'm not just saying, but doing. I'm being (more) extraverted, like I have never been before. I'm going to the gym every day (with few exceptions), and I'm loving my classes (especially Old Testament with Dale Manor), but even more than that I've really begun to delve into the Word of God, and I'm really starting to feel it being written on my heart. For example:
Recently I was reading through Matthew and one of the Beattitudes really hit me hard. Matthew 5:5 reads "Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." What struck me was the term 'meek'.
I thought about a joke I had once heard that even if the meek didn't inherit the earth they aren't going to complain to anyone. They are too meek for that. I also considered something my youth minister once said to me, that meekness doesn't mean weakness.
He told us that Jesus was meek, because He was complient to God. Jesus had the power to prevent His capture, His torture, and His eventual crucifixion on the cross, but He didn't use it, because He was meek in respect to the Father's will.
(According to the account in John) When Jesus was told, "We are looking for Jesus of Nazareth!" He said to the detachment of soldiers (Thought to number nearly 500 men) "I am he," and at that the men fell down. He was proving to them that at a word He could be free, yet He let them take Him.
(In Matthew it reads) "Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels?" he said to his disciples, but he quickly follows his statement of ability with one of meakness, "But how then would the Scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen this way," and so he was taken away.
He was meak, powerfully meak. All this to say, thats what I'm seeking to do, to use my gifts for God's will, not to boast in them, or defend myself with them, but to use my talents to glorify God. So from now on I will do my best to be one of the meak, that is who I want to be.
-Matthew
I'm continuing my pattern from previous blogs, so I'll have a "song of the day" for every post I make.
I've chosen "This is Your Life" by Switchfoot, as my first "Song of the Day" because I feel it captures these past five weeks as I've adjusted to college life. The song asks "Are you who you want to be?" and for the first time in a long time I can say, "I am closer than ever."
I've never felt better about myself than I do now. I'm not just saying, but doing. I'm being (more) extraverted, like I have never been before. I'm going to the gym every day (with few exceptions), and I'm loving my classes (especially Old Testament with Dale Manor), but even more than that I've really begun to delve into the Word of God, and I'm really starting to feel it being written on my heart. For example:
Recently I was reading through Matthew and one of the Beattitudes really hit me hard. Matthew 5:5 reads "Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." What struck me was the term 'meek'.
I thought about a joke I had once heard that even if the meek didn't inherit the earth they aren't going to complain to anyone. They are too meek for that. I also considered something my youth minister once said to me, that meekness doesn't mean weakness.
He told us that Jesus was meek, because He was complient to God. Jesus had the power to prevent His capture, His torture, and His eventual crucifixion on the cross, but He didn't use it, because He was meek in respect to the Father's will.
(According to the account in John) When Jesus was told, "We are looking for Jesus of Nazareth!" He said to the detachment of soldiers (Thought to number nearly 500 men) "I am he," and at that the men fell down. He was proving to them that at a word He could be free, yet He let them take Him.
(In Matthew it reads) "Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels?" he said to his disciples, but he quickly follows his statement of ability with one of meakness, "But how then would the Scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen this way," and so he was taken away.
He was meak, powerfully meak. All this to say, thats what I'm seeking to do, to use my gifts for God's will, not to boast in them, or defend myself with them, but to use my talents to glorify God. So from now on I will do my best to be one of the meak, that is who I want to be.
-Matthew
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